How to Fight Fair (And Why It Matters More Than Not Fighting)

The happiest couples aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who fight well.

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship where two people are being honest. If you never disagree, someone is hiding. The question isn't whether you'll fight — it's whether your fights bring you closer or push you apart.

Fighting fair starts with one simple shift: treating the conflict as a problem you're solving together, not a battle you're trying to win. The moment you start keeping score — who said what first, who's more wrong, who apologized last time — you've already lost.

Here are the rules that research consistently shows make the difference: Start soft. Gottman's research shows that the way a conversation starts predicts how it will end 96% of the time. If you start with criticism or contempt, you're done before you've begun.

Take breaks when your heart rate goes above 100 BPM. Flooding — the state where your body goes into fight-or-flight — makes productive conversation impossible. Take 20 minutes. Come back. Try again.

Repair early and often. A repair attempt is anything that stops the negative cycle: humor, an apology, a hand on the knee, saying "I'm not doing this right, let me start over." The strongest couples aren't better at avoiding ruptures. They're better at repairing them.

Fighting fair is a skill, and like any skill, it gets better with practice. The couples who invest in that practice — who learn to sit in discomfort together — are the ones who make it.