Emotional Bids: The Tiny Moments That Make or Break Relationships

In the 1980s, psychologist John Gottman set up what he called the "Love Lab" — an apartment wired with cameras where couples lived while researchers observed their interactions. What he found changed everything we know about relationships.

The biggest predictor of whether a couple stayed together wasn't how much they argued. It wasn't how compatible they were. It was how they responded to what Gottman calls "emotional bids" — small moments where one partner reaches toward the other.

An emotional bid can be as simple as "Look at that bird" or "I had a rough day" or a sigh from across the room. In each moment, the other partner has a choice: turn toward the bid (engage, acknowledge, respond) or turn away (ignore, dismiss, stay focused on their phone).

Couples who stayed together turned toward each other's bids 86% of the time. Couples who divorced? Just 33%.

The math is staggering. It means that your relationship isn't defined by the big moments — the proposals, the moves, the crises. It's defined by the thousands of tiny moments in between. The moments that are so small you barely notice them.

This is why daily rituals matter. Not because any single question or conversation is life-changing on its own. But because each one is an emotional bid — a moment where you're saying, "I see you. I'm curious about you. You matter to me." And your partner's response to that bid, over and over, is what builds the foundation.

Turn toward each other. Not every time — that's impossible. But enough times that your partner knows, deeply and without question, that when they reach for you, you'll reach back.